Why showing up and owning it is up to you.
A couple of days ago I was writing in my journal when a memory, a teaching, from long ago sprung forth in my mind, reminding me that I am responsible for my life. Now, this might seem obvious to you. Yes, on the surface it certainly is an obvious statement. You’re an adult, so of course you are responsible for your life. As a collective we are all responsible for the state of the climate, the gender gap, racism, the treatment of minority groups, and the way animals have become part of our food system. Somewhere along the way, knowingly or unknowingly, we are all responsible.
But my memory was etched much deeper than a superficial glance at responsibility. As I dig deeper I am confronted with the knowledge that I’m responsible for every single moment of my life, every decision, each emotion, and the actions I’ve taken due to the loud voice of my ego. I am responsible. And that, dear friends, is a very hard pill to swallow.
Throughout my life I’ve had a difficult relationship with my father. While journaling a few days ago, it hit me like a tonne of bricks. It’s no my father who I am struggling to forgive for the shape my life has taken. It’s me! I have spent decades stuck in this inner struggle, blaming every bad decision I’ve ever made on him. But it’s not him. It’s me — my life, my decisions. As clarity dawned I could see that if I‘m to blame him for the bad decisions, then I must thank him for the good decisions. The only problem here is that I take full responsibility for everything good and right I have done throughout my life. And so too, I must take full responsibility for every bad decision, act and situation I have found myself in.
Does any of this ring true for you as well? It is easy to point blame outside of yourself. It is much harder to turn within, understand that what has happened to you is due to a choice you have made, and forgive yourself. It’s confronting to acknowledge this. In no way is this about guilt and self-blame. It’s about the acknowledgement of, and forgiveness for, SELF that will help you turn the corner towards a life of self-love.
It is free-ing beyond belief when you see that the obstacles in your way have been placed there by you. You alone can free yourself from them when you choose to forgive yourself and shift towards love. You created your adult life, and if you don’t like what you see you can reshape it. In regard to my father, I can continue to deceive myself and blame him, or, right now, I can make a different choice. I have misled myself for way too long, allowing myself to become trapped in my thoughts and wrong beliefs.
My bible, my go-to spiritual text, A Course in Miracles, teaches that to experience clarity and happiness, and be released from all emotional pain, is only possible once you acknowledge that no one else is deceiving you, but you. That’s a lot to digest, and it requires you to commit to self-forgiveness as a lifelong lesson. After all, it’s taken you thirty, forty, or even sixty years of not showing up for yourself during the difficult times to be where you find yourself today. Therefore it’s reasonable to believe that you can’t magically fix this overnight. Self-forgiveness, and accepting self-responsibility will always be a work-in-progress. And that’s the true cost of stepping forth into your truth, and owning your power.
“I am responsible for what I see. I chose the feelings I experience, and I decided on the goal I would achieve. And everything that seems to happen to me I asked for and received as I had asked.
Deceive yourself no longer that you are helpless in the face of what is done to you. Acknowledge but that you have been mistaken, and all effects of your mistakes will disappear.” ~ A Course In Miracles, Ch21, v111:15, Pocket edition.
Now, I’m no spiritual guru. Far from it in fact. I don’t have the answers as to why bad things happen to groups or populations. My limited spiritual knowledge guides me to understand that collective energy is at play in those situations. I don’t even have all the answers why an individual is beaten, murdered, or diagnosed with cancer. It is truly confronting when I contemplate the message of self-responsibility on this larger scale. In the context of my life’s experiences, I do see that the errors I have made, the self-doubt, the self-loathing, the really dumb choices, are not because my father is difficult. I alone made these choices because I had misguided self-belief. I alone am responsible for what’s happened to me, and what continues to happen.
Being responsible for your life does not mean you should blame yourself, or your father. Sometimes there is no logical explanation for why something has happened. What does matter is that you don’t place guilt or blame on yourself, or allow yourself to sink into a victim state. Yes, you are responsible for your life, yet you’re not to blame for what happens. Take time to contemplate your inner belief system and you might begin to uncover some of these answers for yourself. I won’t lie to you — this will be an extremely challenging journey to the core of your soul and back again. I’m still on this journey, but the more I uncover about myself, the closer I get to egoless self-love, unwavering positive self-belief, and the warmth of Spirit’s embrace.
Silva x
P.S. Are you ready to choose love?
Photo by Joseph Corl on Unsplash